Dear Mom
by Draft Distro
Summary: Starfleet is a glamorous job, right?  Alvin doesn't think so...


"Dear Mom"

Personal Communiqué from LT. Shipley, Alvin B., USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D to Mrs. Abigail Shipley, Indiana, Terra:

Dear Mom, 04 April 2369

Hi Mom. I know you don't get to hear from me much. Between my duties on the Enterprise and the weird time dilation effects traveling at warp causes I guess this is probably the first time you've heard from me in a year.

Being on the Enterprise has been a lot different than I thought. Oh sure, they tell you, you're on the Federation flagship. See the Galaxy, meet new life forms and new civilizations. The only new life forms I've met are either out to experiment on us or steal the ship. Not that I really get to see much of them, being stuck in the cargo bays on deck 42. Oh I remember what they said at the academy: "Good job LT. Shipley, you get to be on the Enterprise." Big fat hairy deal. What has serving the Enterprise gotten me? Well first some sort of extra-dimensional creatures come sneaking on board and kidnap us in our sleep. That's right. These things are waltzing onto the "Flagship" zipping us off and like cutting us open to see what color our organs are. I felt like a frog in biology class. I still get the creeps when I turn off the lights in my quarters! Then, just a couple of weeks later, the Ferengi take over the Enterprise. That's right, a bunch of bulby headed freaks who would take the dollars off their dead mother's eyes manage to get the ship, and somehow some kid dressed as the Captain manages to save the day. Makes me put real confidence in old baldylocks up there on the bridge. At least I assume there's a bridge; I've never been above deck 12- that's where sickbay is.

We did lose the Captain for a while. I guess he was off on some secret mission (probably to get more tea) and we had this guy Jellico come on board. I didn't think it was possible, but he was even worse than Picard! Every three days he had us re-arrange every cargo pod on the deck. Then I heard he almost got the ship blown up by Cardassians or something, but all I know is I had to move the cargo pods back where they were when Picard came back.

See, the bridge crew get to leave all the time. You'd think they'd have to stay and run the ship, but oh no. The bridge door may as well be a revolving door. Our ship's counselor, a little cutie named Troi, disappeared for a while, and came back with a Romulan accent. Then the smelly security chief, remember the Klingon I told you about? He disappeared for a while and came back even grouchier than before, and snarled at Troi every time she said a Romulan word.

Finally a while ago we got to put in at the Remmler Array. Something about cleaning off the ship's hull with some laser thing. Not that I got to see much of the planet. We had some Arcturan Apple crisps on board, and the cleaning thing would have changed their molecular structure, so of course LT. Shipley has to coordinate storing them on the planet while everyone else gets shore leave. Then the transporter chief on the base loses them; can't remember if he beamed them to bay D-32a or A-32d. I heard while I was physically running around the base trying to find our crates the Captain was riding his horse somewhere.

We never stay anywhere long. After Remmler, we were off chasing some map across the Galaxy trying to find some new step in evolution, or a super weapon or a super power source, I don't know. All I know is when the Captain came back on board he was all misty eyed and preaching to the crew about universal brotherhood. Hoorah. Apparently to prove his point we warped off to the Klingon Empire next. What do you know? Worf got even grumpier about some new Emperor. I can't keep track of Galactic politics.

Weird stuff happens too. I finally got invited up to the 'cool' lounge on board the other day. It's called 10 Forward, and does have a great view of space... unless you've spent the last year on Deck 42. Then open warp space makes you nauseous. I swore I saw two Commander Rikers; but, they were wearing different colored shirts, and everyone called the one Tom. I just went back to my quarters and laid down.

I've decided to ask for a transfer. There's a new base just opened up at the butt-end of space called Deep Space Nine. It's supposed to be quiet. I'm going to see if I can get there. Take care Mom,

Your beloved Son,

Alvin

Personal Communiqué from LT. Shipley, Alvin B., Starfleet Outpost Deep Space 9, to Mrs. Abigail Shipley, Indiana, Terra:

Dear Mom, 22 April 2370

Well, it's that time of year again. I hope you're OK there on Earth. I'm still on DS9, and I'm not sure if it's better than the Enterprise or not. Yeah we had our token Klingon and the occasional alien invader, but this place is swarming with aliens. Ferengi even! There's like a hundred of them here, all related to the guy who runs the local lounge. It's not exclusive like 10 Forward was though. We can all go there, but expect to find Klingons, Bajorans, and even the occasional Cardassian (!) rubbing elbows with you! Definitely not like Indiana. The main cargo bay I work in is out in the furthest ring from the center, so it's usually quiet. Bizarre things still happen though. We actually had the Ferengi President or King or Grand Poobah or whatever he is come on board. He brought 15 canisters of some worm that they like to eat. Well, one cracked open, and these things bite. Of course I had to try to clean these little grubbers up. One got into my pant leg though, and I ended up with worm bites in places I don't want to discuss with my mother.

We don't just deal with aliens from here either! There's a wormhole here that leads into the Gamma Quadrant. We get aliens from there too. A while back we had a whole bunch of these people called the Skrreeans come on board. You think you have problems pronouncing that; the universal translator couldn't even figure out their language. Then they told Major Kira, our XO, that they wanted to take over Bajor. She's like mad-hot to look at, but she's the only person I've found grouchier than Worf. At least he's not here. He's better than the security guy we do have here though. He's some sort of form-changer thing. He walks around with this almost-but-not-quite-human face, really creepy. The other day he was trying to nab some smugglers and I found him as one of my cargo crates. Not in it mind you, but _as_ the crate. I actually unpacked him. Really weird…

Later on some guy brought these games on board and opened a new bar. I don't know what the Ferengi did, but suddenly all of us who bought his little game started getting rotten luck. Bad duty shifts, broken gear, I even fell off a ladderwell and broke my leg. They have a decent doctor here though. Not the brightest guy I ever met, but OK. He went off on some mission to destroy some planet's bio-weapons with our engineer, Chief O'Brien. He came back infected with the stuff, and spent a week in the infirmary. When he got out, I caught this weird flu. They told me it had nothing to do with him, but I still spent a week heaving into the waste disposal unit. A couple weeks later, they tell us that O'Brien isn't O'Brien, but we're all supposed to pretend he is. I don't know where Commander Sisko comes up with this stuff. He's a good guy though. I mean he likes baseball, can't be all bad. At least he's not bald.

I think I'm going to ask him for a transfer though. There's a new Intrepid Class rolling off the line, and the captain is some stuffy old science officer woman. What kind of trouble can she get us into?

Thanks for the cookies and sweater Mom,

Your beloved son,

Alvin

Personal Communiqué recorded by LT. Shipley, Alvin B., USS Voyager NCC-74656 to be delivered at first opportunity to Mrs. Abigail Shipley, Indiana, Terra:

Dear Mom, 23 April 2371

Well crap…


End file.
